Tuesday, June 26, 2007

CRAP!!!!.

Things of mine to see:

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Remind me to NEVER show off listings of directories to my dad! He sat there and looked at EACH AND EVERY SINGLE THING in there and then he found something I wrote in there. He read the ENTIRE thing and then he asked if I felt that way. I was tempted to say "No shit, sherlock. Why else would I write it?" but instead, I sat there and BS'd my way out of it. I don't think he believes that I didn't write it.

But what good would sending me to a shrink do if I have issues anyways? I'd never open up to them. I would never trust them. I'm doing as well as I'm going to do, even if that's not very good. If I'm scared to tell my parents that I'm an asexual, atheistic wolf, what makes them think I'm going to tell someone who they're paying to talk to me? Maybe I'm just mistrusting and misanthropic, but, hell, that's me! 'Me' is not a happy person, so the 'me' they want is just not the person that I am.

Stupid parents. Now I've hidden stuff on the listing so that there is no way for him to go snooping again. Good thing I have at least half a brain left up there.

I can see where they're coming from, I guess. They want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, but they're forcing me to conform. That's not something I'd like to do unless I choose it.

Maybe I just need to tell them that everything I write is private and I'm giving it to the world to read, not to them to read. They said before they'd never read my journal. Hell, maybe I'll just start keeping all my writing under lock-and-key. Start clearing my internet history every night. Change my password to get on the computer. If paranoid is what it takes for them to get off my back, paranoid is sure as hell what I'll be.

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If you care to, you can read the thoughts that got me in trouble.

Save me, someone.
I don't like who I am.
I don't like who I was.
I don't like who I will be.

Save me, please.
Give me something to live for.
Let me feel like I can
serve some purpose in this world.
Let me be who I really wish I was.

Let me be who I am deep in my soul,
even if it's not normal.
I need to be that person
Life has gotten to be too much
when all I can do it pretend
that I'm someone who I'm not.
I need to be myself.

To save me, I must die.
Please don't make me suffer anymore.
Put me out of my misery,
it's all humane,
you'll be a hero to society.

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Sometimes, I just can't stand family.

*snarly growly at parents*

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